What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
12.06.2025 00:10
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
The only rule us 5 kids had .
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
What did i know ?
Why does it itch on my vulva, uterus, and sides of my vagina, but it doesn't itch inside the vagina?
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
According to Scientists, This Is the Most Important Thing To Restore Your Gut Health - SciTechDaily
I did it because my mum asked me too!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
My life is so biszare .
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
What kind of book did you write after turning 55?
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I was 9 years of age.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Delete Every App On Your Smartphone That’s On This List - Forbes
It was going to be , some day.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Why did my ex move on so fast, we have only been broken up for 2 weeks?
As i do to all so called friends.?
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I will be 64.
He resisted the act ,that day.
Junk Food Alert: Our Bodies Treat Ultra-Processed Foods Like Foreign Invaders! - Glass Almanac
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
A 14-year-old created an app that detects heart disease almost instantly - Boy Genius Report
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Brain ‘Reset Wave’ May Explain How ECT Rapidly Relieves Depression - Neuroscience News
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I couldn’t, believe it.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I think the readers, may guess!
I have no regrets .
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I waited trembling.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I don,t even have a pension.
I could never make a relationship work though!
Especially a lifetime of it.
I was scared of men, in general
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
When she asked me how she looked .
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Put me off passion for life!!
Was to survive, this bastard.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
So whats the point in blame.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Comes on , in middle age.
Who then, do I blame.?
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
All the time i was locked up.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
We all went to grammer schools
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
This is soul school!.
She found it foreign!.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I never cut or harmed myself..
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
She wouldn,t have been !
Would this be the day?
She loved him until the end.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Why did i forgive my father ?
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
But, we were locked up after school.
Im still living with it.
We were not on the streets..
But it wasn’t much.
My family never makes their pension either.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
So, i spoilt her more .
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I said to her
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
(And it was in our own minds.)
I was very sick at this time too.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Ive learnt so much.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
One cannot live in the past .
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
And i lived it daily.
I write beautiful poetry .
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
She was in good health!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
He knew the spot.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
But ive been too sick for many years..
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
And who doesn’t know suffering?
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I was seconnd youngest,
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
She married twice! .
I know ,a lot about trauma.